Dear Manong Mark,

Last Christmas, I called you, and you said you were on your way to Manang Hazel’s.  You were just going to stop by in Vallejo then head to Danville.  I remember waiting and waiting, and you never showed up.  I remember the feeling then… I was so hurt and sad because I didn’t get to spend Christmas with you.  It was really confusing to me because back when we were younger, we agreed that no matter how big our families grew, we would have Christmas together.  I know this as a fact because I found a letter I wrote to you in 1994 which is about the time when Auntie Delia and Uncle Eddie’s families stopped coming to Christmas, and I remember we were both really sad as we reminisced about Christmas in Hayward when we were kids.  I also remember that you and I were the most adamant about going to midnight mass which is why it became you, me, and EJ’s job to go save seats at St. Charles. 

So if I was sad last year about you going to spend Christmas with your new family and not us, I’m sure you can imagine how I feel this year.  You can’t even LIE to me about coming!!  :)  I cried during mass… I couldn’t get a note out during Silent Night and you know that’s my song!!!  I got really upset when we were supposed to take cousin pictures… I don’t even want to talk about that. 

It hurts.  I’m really sad.  It sucks because I feel like I’ve been missing you for the last five years; but I always had hope that you’d miss us too, come back to your senses, and spend Christmas with us.  And not just you, but your whole family, and make Christmas how we always imagined growing up.  I know you had your obligations to your other church, but you can’t deny that midnight mass was some of the best memories of our childhood.  And now that you’re gone, I don’t even have my hope that maybe this year you’ll show up for Christmas.  Definitely a blue, blue Christmas.

Love you, Cousin.