The beginning of the summer reminds me that I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my new life. As with all of my reflection blogs, I have had an epiphany about the human condition that I wish to share with all of you (all four of you who read my blogs). Here it goes…
I have come to the conclusion that humans are incapable of living without deep, meaningful connections with other people. I know it’s not rocket science, but I don’t think people truly have a strong understanding of this concept. Our longing for meaningful connections causes humans to confuse different emotions. A lack of connection manifests itself as a plethora of different emotions: apathy, jealousy, anger, self pity, insecurity, etc. As humans, we are on a constant search for these connections; as a result, we are easily blinded by this need in the process.
How does this apply to my journey? This knowledge has helped me understand the extent of how hard it is going to be to stand on my own two feet. For the past two months, I have accepted that it is not in my stars right now to search for attachment. However, with a great deal of struggle, I have attempted to lead with my logic and not my emotion. With reluctance, I admit I am losing this battle. Learning to become whole on my own has not been easy; a lack of personal relationships has led me to fill these voids in other ways—specifically by working way too much. No news here: I’m still self medicating by afflicting myself with stress. The more stress I endure, the less time I spend trying to connect.
While the work may be yet another band aid, I would argue that my heart is actually beginning to heal. I am noticeably happier and healthier, and those feelings of spite and guilt are slowly dissipating into the past. More importantly, this newfound understanding of my worth has turned into a rebirth of self respect.
In spite the desire for personal connection, everything that a human needs can be found within. Others will continually try to challenge this fact by causing unnecessary turmoil, but once a person is able to attain that level of happiness within, these challenges will be nothing but slight hiccups in the journey. While I’m nowhere near close, I am definitely on my way. *Climbs back on her cloud* Good night.
