The next few posts are reposts from my locked blogspot that I wanted to share on my Tumblr.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9
This first one was my experience with a clairvoyant when I had a ghost haunting my house.
Since Halloween, I’ve been spooked in my house. There’s been all kinds of strange things going on in my house: strange images appearing, aparitions in the corner of my eye, strange noises… straight out of a horror movie. An old student of mine messsaged his aunt, a clairvoyant, for me, and she knew exactly what it was. This is what she said:
EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT GOES ALONG WITH THE THINKING
When you’re in a room, your troubles and fears are open. Thought patterns are held in your body. So, if you are in a negative space about something in your life, those dark perspectives and ego get inflamed. It’s like stomping your feet. Open the good thoughts and you won’t bring in the horror channel.
People buy into dark, freaky energies, but you bring it to you. There really are no dark, freaky energies! It’s just YOU. It could be an Angel (which it is - in your friend’s case) and she doesn’t recognize it as an Angel because she’s bringing in her dark troubles. The Angel is there to help her get through it. You call dark to you.
If she’s fearful, just say “white light surround me, fill me and protect me.”
It’s just a fear; a shadow in your life. Let it Go! and the rooms will feel great.
I hope this helps her.
What I love about this is it speaks to me on so many levels. Thanks, Mikey.
OCTOBER 27, 2009 “Work in Progress (definitely worth reading)”
In reponse to a friend who criticized me for blogging about personal issues.
I couldn’t go to sleep without writing about this… I apologize in advance. I’m sleepy, so this may not be very cohesive.
A friend of mine messaged me on FB and said, “I just read your blog. Wow. Do you really want people knowing all of that?” I answered, “Why not?” He said, “You know… it’s intimate.”
I know he meant well, but quite honestly, it’s obviously bothered me for the last few hours. To those who question my decision to my personal life publicly, I ask this: Am I not under the scrutiny of the public already? It is human nature to try to make sense of things you see, and I know that those who choose to care are already questioning my choices. So why leave those who care with any room to assume what is going on in my life? Why not allow people into my head and see me for who I am and not what they assume?
I think my friend Heather said it best: I am grieving. I didn’t even see it this way until she responded to a recent post. I am grieving the life that I expected to have, and the life that I am living is a work in progress. The intention of this blog is to serve as a personal reflection of my life, and to publicly share with others my experience. I actually hope that one day, someone in a similar situation will see this, read it, and find some solace knowing that those of us who feel alone are not really alone.
Also, I will admit that I find comfort in writing down my most inner thoughts and sharing them with anyone who will read them. Some people find that calling someone they trust helps. For me, writing is theraputic. So is sharing.
With that said, I know that I am not altogether right now. I know that I am divulging my weaknesses in way that most people would feel uncomfortable doing. For me, I feel that opening up this way is so much less invasive than sitting and talking to someone how I feel. These posts are my therapy.
OCT 10
A reflection blog.
“Coming into my own…”
I’ve been using this statement frequently these days when I explain to extraneous people about my current situation. It’s ambiguous enough that it allows people to draw their own conclusions, and thus leave me alone. In fact, it is ambiguous enough that on some days, I’m not sure what I’m saying; but rather, I’m simply putting a sign up for people that reads, “Don’t ask. I’m not in the mood.”
Myself: I am not exactly quite sure what it means to “come into my own”. I will say that learning that I don’t need to find the companionship of a man to be happy is definitely a huge part of this process. Spending my entire adult life thinking that I am only half a person has definitely hindered my ability to think as an individual, and I am slowly growing into the concept of being whole on my own. The problem is that I am ashamed to think that as a 28 year old, I don’t know who I am. I cover this shame with a false sense of confidence and arrogance that has not been working well for me. Accepting the fact that I am learning what it is to be truly independent has been quite an interesting journey.
My Friends and Familiy: Fortunately for me, I have a great family, so there has been little need to put up walls and things like that. I think when I tell my familiy that I’m “coming into my own”, it comes with the subtext that I am okay. I’m still the same Tina that they’ve always known, and the inherent need to worry is unncecessary.
Men: This has been entertaining to say the least. As of late, “coming into my own” is without a doubt my way of saying, “Step the f*ck off, because I do not want anything to do with you.” I find that there are two types of men out there: the one that will take advantage of a situation, and those whose arrogance makes them completely incapable of understanding that I am speaking the truth. Needless to say, “coming into my own” has been a mantra that I find myself saying over and over to both men I meet for the first time, and men I’ve known for a long time. While I do intend to find myself in a relationship eventually, I would much rather spend my time right now with people who simply wish to laugh, dance, and go on a clean, platonic adventure.
This journey is far from over, and I feel for the first time, I’ve found some clarity. Being with people is still my number one vice, but I no longer see that as a bad thing. As I build new relationships and find old ones, I find comfort in knowing that this is all part of coming into my own. Into my own skin, my own thoughts, and my own happiness.
SEPT 22
The first reflection blog.
Up until days ago, my life was planned to the minute. When I was a junior in high school, I decided I wanted to be an AP US History teacher like Mr. Forbes, so I planned to major in history and minor in English. When I got to UC Davis, I found that I liked English so much more, so I ended up earning two bachelors degrees by the end and getting my credential in English.
While my plans have changed slightly over the years, I have been on a fairly straight path: finish school, get a job, get married, and have kids. In fact, if you would’ve asked me a year ago where I thought I would be, I thought I’d be knocked up and getting ready for a family.
So now, 65 days after I called off my wedding, I am in limbo for the first time in my life. And despite the fact that I’m in the most coveted position of all (single and in my 20s), I am the most miserable I’ve been in my adult life. But it’s not because I regret any of my decisions; in fact, in these past few weeks, I have had quite a few experiences that have convinced me that I have made some really good, healthy decisions. I am miserable because I thought that I would thrive under these conditions, and as it turns out, it is not as easy as I thought. I will be the first one to admit that the single life was extremely enticing when I was in a relationship; however, now that I am living it, I find that the grass does turn brown after pissing in it for so long.
This is what I’ve discovered:
1. “Single” is not equivalent to “Single and Dating.” As soon as I was living in my home alone, I immediately went into Elmer Fudd mode hunting rabbits. I’ve discovered that being single is not a constant search for love. I am having more fun meeting new people and dancing with strangers because I am not constantly tooking for approval or fearing rejection.
2. Single=Choices 64 days ago, if I wanted to make a life changing move, I had to turn to my left and say, “Would you want to (fill in the blank)?” Now that I am single, not only am I faced with tons of choices, but this seems to be the root of all my misery!!! My choices are not limited to what I’m going to eat for dinner or where I’m going to be Friday night. All of a sudden, I am faced with not knowing what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
When I talk to people about this, they always just say, “Just relax and enjoy the ride.” But see, therein lies the problem: Yes, I am loving life right now. I go to work Monday through Friday and party Thursday through Sunday. However, while it is all fun and games right now, it is not enjoyable for me to just sit back and feel like I’m wasting my life away. The anxiety of not knowing what I have planned minute my minute is driving me insane.
So again, I have no solutions or pathways for the next 30 day stretch. The only difference between my 15 day post and my 65 day post is that now I am no longer content. But maybe that is a good thing.
