July 2006—I’ll never forget the moment at the United Airline gate the day I boarded the plane to the Philippines alone.  I was going to Mindanao, a place well known for kidnapping Americans*, and I was going at a time when fear of terrorism on planes was still extremely prevalent (while I was in the Philippines, they initiated the “No Liquids on Planes” rule.)  I hugged those who came to see me off goodbye, turned to my mom and said, “Mom, if I don’t come back, just know that I lived a full life.  I was not scared, and I am okay with it.”  With a nervous laugh, Mom said not to say things like that and hugged me goodbye. 

For me, that moment was a turning point in my life.  My excursion through the Philippines with 12 teachers that I had only known a few weeks transformed me into the independent and fearless woman that I am now.  After 33 of speaking Tagalog to not get cheated, exploring bat caves, white water rafting, thinking we were going to be kidnapped by corrupt city councilmen, and Americans in our hotel posing as CIA following us, I came home a new person.  I am not afraid of anything— I am especially not afraid of doing things on my own.  But as I get ready for my trip to London, I feel that I am having some of those same pre-Philippines trip fears.

I am not afraid of death, so I had to sit and reflect on what could have possibly woken me up in a state of near panic this morning.  What I have decided on is that it is a result of my ongoing battle with co-dependence.  All of my life, I’ve had someone to hold my hand through everything.  Even in the Philippines, me being one of the youngest on the trip, I had people that I attached to very quickly to dispel my fears of being alone.  For this trip, I am hardly as close to the teachers in my cohort.  I am also a minority going into a country that may not be as tolerant.  But even then, being on my own should feel liberating; it should not be the centralized reason for my fears. 

I think also it has to do with leaving some people that I have become accustomed to talking to everyday.  It will be quite a challenge not to be able to check my Twitter every five minutes, or text someone just to ask how the day is going.  I know that these things sound trivial; but honestly, I don’t know how I am going to deal with not being in constant connection.  Actually, I know I will deal without them, but the anxiety of knowing that the people that I hold in my heart are not a text away is killing me.

Point of action?  Nothing yet.  I need to pack.  In the meantime, please send lots of love my way.  Maybe an overdose of it will send me flying over the Atlantic without a second look. 

Thanks for listening.

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*I had to put in a caveat that many of what people see as truth about Mindanao are misconceptions created by the media.  That is an entirely different blog, however.

**In case you are interested, my blogs from the Philippines trip are located at:  http://misschunster.livejournal.com/